Medical Breakthrough: Shrink Discovers Simple Test to Diagnose Mental Illness

NEW YORK––Area psychiatrist Dr. Danford Mills this morning published an editorial in the New York Times stating that he’s finally discovered what many have said can’t exist: a medical test that reliably diagnoses mental illness. “I’d had a hunch years ago that I was formulating a real, physical test for my patients,” Dr. Mills writes. “I encouraged other psychiatrists to try my method, and got nothing but positive feedback.” Dr. Mills’ test is simple. A psychiatrist seeing a new and potentially mentally ill patient should simply ask the patient whether they have a major insurance plan, and if not, whether they have a bank account with at least $20,000 in it. “The results of the test were remarkably accurate,” Dr. Mills recalls. “Every time a new patient confirmed having major insurance or a substantially-sized bank balance, I was able to diagnose a long-term mental illness right away.” Psychiatrists around the world have begun to come forward, all claiming that they invented this method first.


“In the animal kingdom, the rule is, eat or be eaten; in the human kingdom, define or be defined.”
― Thomas Stephen Szasz

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